Friday, October 30, 2009

Monkey Business

Friday, October 30, 2009

Monkeys and apes fascinate me. I've always wanted one (a macaque anyway) as a pet when I was a kid, but my mom - who got a morbid disgust against them after she was served a bowl of monkey stew at a local fiesta - won't have it in the house. It didn't help matters when I got bitten in the head by a neighbor's macaque that I've been trying to get to de-lice my head (it got frustrated because it can't find any).

I remember staying behind in my school after classes so that me and my school buddies can play with the monkeys on display outside the library. We would buy fried bananas - piping hot and just out from the frying pan - and throw them at the monkeys inside the cages - who them would fight tooth and nail to get the treat - even if it burns them, which we would laugh at such glee.

During fiestas, travelling carnies with pet monkeys were always  the big attraction that draw my attention. Carnies would dress them up with tiny human clothes, giving the animals an eerie resemblance to some folks that I've met (debatable, but well...).

Even some of my favorite movies have monkeys in them - Project X, Planet of the Apes, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (monkey brains for dessert, anyone?), to name a few. Futurama, the now-cancelled cartoon that I watch all the time, has a genius monkey named Gunther - a smart monkey who can debate with Professor Farnsworth  topics that are only usually given during debate tournaments.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Demonic Language

Thursday, October 29, 2009
Seen the movie Constantine? Its not that groundbreaking a movie or anything but it is still good for killing time. That's why I got a DVD copy and watched it again. Beware of the subtitle though.

Minutes into the film, a lady is possessed by a demon soldier and nobody is more qualified for the job of helping the poor victim than our hero Constantine, John Constantine. It's his habit to introduce himself first before doing what he does best - sending demons back to hell!

In the scene where he introduced himself to the demon possessing the poor lady victim, the dialogue went this way:

Constantine: This is Constantine... John Constantine, asshole.
Possessed lady: Papatayin natin sila.

Yep. It's in Filipino. Unlike the time when I watched the movie in the big screen during its theatrical run, that line did not surprise me as I saw it coming. But what caught my attention was the subtitle when the possessed lady uttered that line. I hope its not the official subtitle. Here's a screen capture:






Apparently I am fluent in demonic language. T_T

Sunday, October 25, 2009

And then, there was Chuck

Sunday, October 25, 2009
"When Chuck Norris does push ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the world down."

Now this is the kind of cheesiness you'd want to roll around in. You can sit back, smile and be entertained by the sheer bravura of testosterone-induced vanity. Or you can turn up your nose, walk away and PRETEND you didn't find that declaration totally awesome.

I first encountered this declaration during one of my random surfs in Facebook's gigantic repository of quizzes and whatnots (as if I joined Facebook for its social networking potential). Now, FB's quiz collection range from those that are a lame alternative to costly sessions with the shrink, personality quizzes that you can rig, geeky Star Wars trivia that only you, a true geek, would know (I know, therefore I am Yoda) and the "How long would you stand in a fight against Chuck Norris" quiz - hands down, the most entertaining of them all.

It's the best there is because:

a. It's all about trying to take down Chuck Norris and his ruddy beard (note, trying, because you don't get to beat Chuck Norris. Nobody does.)
b. In the futile attempt to beat the MAN, you can get one of the weapons to beat all other weapons - the light saber (though it still won't work against Chuck bloody Norris)
c. Once you see it, you have no choice but to take the quiz. It's that awesome.
d. Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse you each and every time, and:
e. You won't even know why you were in a fight with him in the first place.

In my fight against Chuck, I think I chose a full body armor, speed as my skill and my hands as my weapons (light saber! You should have chosen the light saber!). Which is why I ended up as Chuck Norris fodder in a span of 1 second. Heck, that's not even enough to cover the definition of span.

As I was very much entertained, I did a little research and I found out that Chuck Norris has inspired a phenomena of awesome and epic facts (about himself, of course) such is his awesome-ness and epic-ness.

Awesome:
"If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself. "

Awesome-r:
"In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man. "

Awesome-est:
"Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimensions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass. "

And he's not even the greatest martial artist there is. But don't tell him I said that.

For more Chuck Norris definitions, go here. For Chuck facts, go here.For those who want to test their mettle against Chuck Norris, type "How long will you last in a fight against Chuck Norris" in your searchboxes. Chuck is waiting.

Go ahead. You know you want to.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Need A Makeup Guru!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Youtube has been my constant companion in times of social isolation and utter boredom. One day, I noticed a trend within this popular site. Several channels belonged to makeup gurus or people (yes, both females and biologically males) who do makeup tutorials on different looks. Be it natural, everyday looks, glamourous and dramatic looks, and yes - drag queen looks, these gurus have covered it all. I have two particular favorites among the gurus though.

Michelle Phan




and Xteeener



For now though, the spotlight goes to Xteeener. But I'll be featuring more of Michelle Phan on my next post.

I've been an avid follower of Xteeener, a famous makeup guru on Youtube. Unlike other gurus who capitalize on their online fame to promote products which they apparently "Don't get paid for", Xteeener is different. (I have nothing against other gurus who get paid for promotional stuff, as long as they tell the viewers that they get a little compensation for mentioning products).

After more than a year of posting makeup tutorials over Youtube, she still remains as simple and down-to-earth as she was when she started.

Her makeup tutorials are always easy to follow. Best of all, most of her videos are for everyday-looks, and beginners could easily pull it off.





















Lately, Xteener's tutorials have gone from neutral to dramatic. One of my personal faves is her Egyptian Queen Look, which is totally appropriate for Halloween parties. Unfortunately, I won't be going to any, so all I could do is drool in its awesomeness and share it with you readers.













Here's the video:



For more of her videos, visit Xteeener's Youtube Channel

Here's Michelle Phan's Youtube Channel



*all photos are from their respective Facebook accounts.






Sunday, October 4, 2009

You Break My Record, Now I Break You!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Intro

I love watching good movies. A great deal of my free time has been spent hunting
down copies of critically acclaimed films like The Godfather, The Silence of the Lambs, The Dark Knight and others.

During one of my scouring sessions, I came across JCVD in a Time magazine article. I discovered that it stood for Jean-Claude Van Damme and was honestly stunned by how Time magazine heralded his performance as the second best of that year (after Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker). I mean we are talking about The Muscles from Brussels himself, deliverer of accent-heavy lines and mediocre acting.

I did a bit of research and found out that Time was on the record for stating that Van Damme “deserves not a black belt, but an Oscar.” Also, Van Damme was nominated for Best Actor by the Toronto Film Critics Association Awards as well as the Chlotrudis Awards. A couple more looks around the interwebz and I discovered Rotten Tomatoes gave JCVD a Certified Fresh rating (knowing RT, this is certainly no small feat). I guess that last bit did it for me. I’m a sucker for highly-praised films, so I decided to look for a copy.

While waiting for my copy to arrive, I decided to watch
another Van Damme movie in order to remind myself why I have such a poor opinion of his acting. Little did I know I was in for one of the most hilarious walks I’ve had down memory lane.

The Movie

I was looking through Van Damme’s filmography and saw Bloodsport. Of all the Van Damme movies I’ve seen so far, this one is probably my favorite. The thing is, aside from loving good movies, I also have a special place in my heart for bad movies with cult followings. Bloodsport fits the latter category too perfectly. Besides, I also wanted to watch it for the lulz.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen this film, but since I was 8, I’ve seen it on Betamax, VHS, LD, VCD, DVD and probably Blu-ray and UMD in the future. If you think I’ve wasted a lot of time for just one movie, then I should also tell you that I’ve seen this movie on cable a couple of times too. There’s this friend of mine who used to text me when Bloodsport was on Cinemax and we’d watch it separately, meet up later on and celebrate the sheer campiness of the film by doing splits in the same manner Van Damme does in the movie.

The story is allegedly based on real events in the life of Frank Dux. But everybody else thinks it’s bullshit, and so do I, so there’s not much point in talking about the re
al Dux here.

The Characters

Frank Dux, played by Van Damme, is a Koga Yamabushi Ninjitsu (not stated in the film, but I’m a geek) expert wanting to honor his master by winning the Kumite, an underground, no holds barred martial arts tournament his master won many years ago.

Ray Jackson, played by Donald Gibb is the Donkey to Frank Dux’s Shrek. Whether the studio consciously decided to add this character for comic relief is still unknown to me. Van Damme’s Belgian accent while playing an American character provides enough comic relief that lasts the entire film. Oh yeah, Ray is also a Kumite fighter.

Janice Kent, played by Leah Ayres, is our hero’s love interest. She’s a journalist who wants to get a scoop on the Kumite. Has nice legs too.

Chong Li is the main antagonist of the story. He is played by Bolo Yeung, who in my opinion, makes the best martial arts villain ever. He is the reigning Kumite champion and seems to enjoy breaking people in half and looking absolutely evil while doing so.

Agents Rawlins and Helmer, played by Forest Whitaker and Norman Burton respectively, are two agents sent by the US Military to bring Frankie boy back. Did I mention he went AWOL from the US Military?

The rest are a bunch of scrubs whose roles read “get beat up.” Being a typical Filipino, I should mention that there is one character here played by our kababayan. Sadiq Hossein, an Arabian Kumite fighter, is played by Bernard Mariano, a Filipino actor. I guess with the number of Filipinos working in the Middle East, people now have an excuse to start confusing them for actual Arabs.

The Story

The story begins with Frank Dux going AWOL from the military to compete at the Kumite in Hong Kong. His tough-as-nails commanding officer is not too pleased with this and sends agents Rawlins and Helm
er after him. Apparently, the US government has spent lots of money on old Frankie boy here and they couldn’t risk him getting hurt, so it’s up to our bumbling agents to bring him back via incapacitating him with 50,000-volt tasers. How the writers missed the irony is beyond me. And how the US Military couldn’t alert airport security to not allow Dux from leaving US soil is as mysterious as the mysteries of the universe itself.

Anyway, Frankie boy visits his Shidoshi, Senzo Tanaka, before leaving for Hong Kong. Here we see (apart from Van Damme’s apparent difficulty in acting) a series of flashbacks on how he was trained to float like a butterfly and sting like a Tomahawk cruise missile. Parts of the flashback show a teenage Frank (Pierre Rafini) in one of the most laughable acting jobs I’ve seen. And by laughable, I mean I had to pause the movie, get to the hospital, get the nice man with the stethoscope to take out my funny bone, find out that funny bone is actually a pun and has nothing to do with laughing, come back and still find myself laughing at the sheer awkwardness of his performance. You’d get the impression that the kid playing the young Frank didn’t even wanna be in that movie; that his parents just forced him to be there ‘cause they want him to be a big star one day. But anyway, the training montage with Van Damme as adult Frank is one of the most impressive I’ve seen as far as martial arts films go. Here, he does complete splits in what seems to be an omen that says there will be more splits to come (not just in this movie).

Back to the present, he bids farewell to his ill sensei and promised him to bring honor to the Tanaka clan for training him and having treated him like a son. Awwwwww. It’s in serious moments like this that I have to remind myself that Van Damme was a ballerina from 16 to 21 years of age. It’s an amusing but necessary distraction if your intent is to watch Van Damme act and come out of it with intact sensibilities.

Frank arrives in Hong Kong, meets fellow Kumite fighter Ray Jackson and befriends him after beating him in an arcade game. If I was in a martial arts tournament, I’d be wary about befriending other participants since there’s a chance you’d face each other. “No, I can’t hit him…he’s my friend!” There goes your dream of being Kumite champ, chump. They meet Mr. Lin (guide for American participants apparently) and he takes them to the arena where Dux puts his dukes to the use by reducing a brick to smithereens. This gets reigning champ and lord of extinction Chong Li’s attention, which prompts the man-mountain to say the first of his several badass lines: “Very good! But brick not hit back!” Chong Li has an air of chaos and destruction about him. His mere presence is said to make babies cry within a 37.2 kilometer radius. You couldn’t help but start feeling sympathy for Frank. Bolo Yeung is simply good at playing this type of villain. Did I mention that he was 50 years old when this film was made? Yup…badass!

Then we meet reporter Janice Kent who is being coaxed by Sadiq (p
layed by our kababayan…oi, gusto kong bumati kay nanay at tatay at kay ate at kuya…artista na akow!) to join him in his room upstairs for an “interview.” Ah, ladies men. They sure don’t waste time. Frank goes to her rescue by doing a coin trick that seemingly requires a flashback in order to be done properly, making Sadiq look like an idiot thereby hurting our national pride. While all seems well, feminists would probably say Janice went out of the frying pan and into the fire since Frank asked her out to dinner for the following night. And we all know what happens after dinner.

After a scene where Van Damme does more splits, the tournament begins and we are treated to a bevy of fighters coming from various martial arts disciplines. We get to see our main fighters strut their stuff. Ray beats his first opponent, but had to be stupid enough to taunt Chong Li who was quietly watching the matches. Chong Li, however, didn’t beat his opponent. Beating an opponent was too easy…so he broke him instead and also broke the world record for fastest knockout. How much more badass can you get? The first time I saw this guy in a movie (Enter The Dragon), I got the impression that his hobbies include knitting doilies, baking pastries and ripping spinal columns out of people. I heard that he accidentally created the Grand Canyon when he went skydiving but forgot his parachute. Arizona was never the same again. Frank’s match followed afterwards wherein he was pitted against Sadiq, knocking him out by showing him his palm and hurting our national pride for the second time. Damn. Frank beats Chong’s fastest knockout record by the way.

The first day of the tournament ends, Rawlins and Helmer catch up to Frank, he evades them with Ray’s help and goes to dinner with Janice. They had sex (although it’s never shown) and we are treated (whether we like it or not) to a gratuitous display of Van Damme’s butt in the morning after. Belgian Bites were said to be named after those. Either way, I don’t get why they had to show us his butt. Women might enjoy it, but women hardly ever watch martial arts films.


Frank and Ray continue to do well on the second day and we get to see more fight scenes that continue to impress. Ray however, gets broken by Chong in the last match of the day. He gets hospitalized and Frankie boy vows revenge, upsetting Janice, Mr. Lin, the doctor, the nurse and me ‘cause I needed to remind myself again that he was once a wee ballerina. Did I mention that he did a lot of splits again?

On the final day of the Kumite, Rawlins and Helmer are waiting for Frank right outside the arena, and this time they’re ready to use their tasers and are backed by Hong Kong’s finest. Frank, however, stops them with nothing but a gym bag, a trash can lid and shiny leather shoes. He and Chong both reach the finals and in one of the most badass moments in martial arts film history, Chong Li exclaims to Frank: “You break my record. Now I break you, like I break your friend!” This guy really likes breaking stuff…and people too. I bet tanks were modeled after him.


The fight gets off to a good start, but Chong takes out a pill from his sweat-drenched shorts, grinds it into powdery bits with his fingers (badass…normal people can’t even grind anything with their bare hands) and hurls it at our hero’s eyes. Suffice to say, he got lots of cheap shots in on the now visually impaired Frank, Frank channels into his own inner badass, moans for a while, and then starts beating Chong’s ass using repeated jump spinning heel kicks which is also an omen for more jump spinning heel kicks to come in Van Damme’s career. Frank wins the tournament, Janice gets her scoop, the agents bring their man back to the military, and Ray is now fully conscious but still buffoonish.

The Conclusion

First off, Bolo Yeung is a major badass. I now believe steroids are made from his urine.

Second, this movie is Van Damme’s first starring role and is therefore responsible for establishing the Van Damme-isms he likes to use in majority of his films (lots of splits, jump spinning heel kicks, and a Belgian accent for all his American roles).

Third, Belgian Bites were inspired by Van Damme’s ass.

Fourth, while this movie didn’t have much to offer by way of acting, dialogue or plot, its redeeming factor is its fight scenes as well as for having revitalized the concept (since Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon) of showcasing numerous martial arts disciplines in a single martial arts movie. Previous martial arts films usually showcased two disciplines at the most. For these reasons, this movie is a classic in the martial arts film genre and might have influenced things like the Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter and Tekken franchises as well as mixed martial arts.

Fifth, you can already see here that Forest Whitaker has great acting skills. He’s playing a minor role, but he’s doing better than the entire cast. The things he does are very natural and very genuine. I suppose acting skill is inversely proportional to fighting skill in this film.

Lastly, I am now quite eager to see how Van Damme has improved in JCVD. I sincerely enjoy stories of individuals achieving good things. Looking at Bloodsport, it’s kind of hard to imagine him ever getting a Best Actor nomination, but whatever. This guy probably has acting chops that we’ve never seen before due to the kind of roles being given to him…at least I’m hoping so.