I'm Gonna Be...A Porn Star!

My sex drive is high. If you are among the easily offended (otherwise known as humorless pricks), I recommend that you stop reading this article immediately and proceed to 4chan instead. I guarantee you’ll find some spiritual enlightenment there especially in its /b/ forum. Have fun.

As I was saying, my sex drive is high. This is probably due to a wonderful childhood marked with an early exposure to pornography thanks to a virgin uncle who failed miserably at shooing us away from the living room while he watched smut. He should’ve told us some white lie or something, like God would smite juveniles (with lightning bolts no less) for watching a naked black woman play around an indoor fountain.

I was five years old back then. That one right there gave me at least a seven-year head start in sexual curiosity before the average boy even gets his first erection. Seeing that I could not get laid at that age, I decided to learn more about the subject instead. And so began my lifelong fascination for erotica and thus my high sex drive.

I’m at the point in my career where I get bored often due to the unchallenging nature of my work. Recently, I’ve been looking around the internet for another job which hopefully would be more interesting. Amidst reading through job descriptions, a thought occurred to me…I could be a porn star! Not only would this job sate by abnormally high libido level, it could bring in some big bucks and also give me a job I can look forward to everyday!

Of course, like any other job, being a porn star has its job qualifications. Now some of you might not know this, but my fascination for erotica is beyond hormone-driven. It might sound like an attempt to cover up my pornographic indulgences, but my relationship per se with the field of erotica is also academic, scientific and artistic in nature. I’m not here to just watch naked chicks. Having said that, it shouldn’t be a surprise if I actually knew a couple of things about the job qualifications of a porn star:

Porn stars must be 18 or older.
-I’m 17, but if my partner was also 17, that makes us 34 right? So that’s like 16 years of overqualification.

Porn stars will be regularly tested for STD.
-Ha! This is a cinch. I wear condoms even when masturbating. You can’t get any more STD-protected than that.

Porn stars must be physically fit.
-I’ve got a bit of flab on me, but special effects can take care of that. If Peter Jackson can make Legolas look too pretty to be a man, then special effects can also do the same to my flab. Or I can wear a bodysuit like Batista does on every WWE show. Come on. You’re not thinking his body is real right? If Batista is reading this, please don’t beat me up. I’m just kidding, but my jokes are often half-meant.

Porn stars must not have any reservations against working in front of a crew.
-I blush easily when I know everyone’s attention is on me. But that shouldn’t be a problem since I can tell them blood is rushing to my head as a result of arousal.

Male porn stars must be well-endowed.
-This is a misconception. Everybody knows that girls don’t watch porn. So it doesn’t matter if your penis is smaller than your thumb ‘cause nobody’s going to look at it. Guys watch it for the naked chicks. If you’re a guy and you take the time to admire a male porn actor’s penis, then I have bad news for you. Wait, what? What if the company insists that I be well-endowed? Well, I can always star in Japanese porn instead.

Porn stars must have catchy screen names.
-The Foreplay Artist. Yeah! Or maybe Johnny Foreplay. Then my critics, psychologists, and sex therapists would praise me for my awesome foreplay skills but comment that all that intense attention to foreplay could be a compensation for, gasp! Can it be? Premature ejaculation!

Male porn stars need to maintain an erection for the duration of a shoot, which could last for hours.
-With my unhealthy sleeping and eating habits, not to mention that my workout schedule is irregular, I have the endurance of a senior citizen, which is good news anyway ‘cause now, I’m qualified to use Viagra. I heard they’re manufacturing a new variety with the advertising slogan “outlive, outplay, outlast.” If the effect lasts too long for comfort, I can always use tranquilizers.

Porn stars will occasionally be required to perform in uncomfortable positions.
-This is not a problem. My penis is not long enough to enable me to hump in the weirdest positions. The director has no choice but to stick to the uncomplicated positions. Hey, he can’t get rid of me anyway since the actresses would want to work with Johnny Foreplay for his amazing foreplay skills.

Male porn stars need lots self-control. They are expected to be able to gain an erection and/or ejaculate at the director’s cue.
-Technically, the tendency to prematurely ejaculate is prevalent in all men, but some have learned to control it. The way it is controlled varies between men, but it generally involves distracting yourself. Mine is reciting Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne build orders. During a sex scene while I’m humping a hot chick using Kama Sutra position number 429, you would hear me muttering “all Peons gather gold while one Peon is being trained at the Great Hall.” And as the scene gets more and more intense, I continue: “the first Peon to return to the Great Hall with Gold builds an Altar of Storms. After the first Peon from the Great Hall is trained, that Peon proceeds to build a Burrow while a second Peon is trained at the Great Hall.” And so on. And during the climax, I’d go “the Blademaster Windwalks after a fleeing Death Knight, hits him once, then twice with a Level 3 Critical Strike, and the opponent types in good game, and victory is mine”…and scene! Good job Johnny Foreplay! Here’s 20 million dollars. Now go dress up and get ready for the voiceover. And during the voiceover, all my mutterings would be replaced with dirty talk. Wow! The fans should really watch the behind-the-scenes footage of all my videos.

And finally, the last one…according to my source, male porn actors need to be comfortable with intimate physical contact with other males.
-Crap. Is this really necessary? I guess there’s a pile of shit at the other end of every rainbow. But no matter...I used to play basketball in grade school, which for all its worth, is a gay sport. Ask Freud. He’ll have a field day what with all the implied back rubbing, spooning and ball grabbing. So I guess that should give me enough preparation when working in MMF threesomes. As they say in Mixed Martial Arts…it’s not gay as long as you don’t make eye contact.

Satisfied by the new career choice I was about to make, I wrote an email addressed to all the big porn companies in San Fernando Valley, California, the center of the American porn industry for those of you who don’t know. I reviewed my qualifications and was exceedingly pleased with myself. I was about to click the Send button when my cell phone suddenly vibrated. I took a look and it was my girlfriend:

“Don’t even think about it.”

T_T